I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
