My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
