You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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