twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Randomize
