If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
