I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
