Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
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