She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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