I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
