ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
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