I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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