Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
