im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Actions speak louder than pants.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
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