the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
