For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
