this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
