so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Confirm your location. A cross street is best, but if google mapping yourself is your least-shameful option go for it. ps- going through his mail for an actual address is always an option.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
