Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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