They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
