I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
