Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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