Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
