Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Randomize