i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
