I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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