Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
