Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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