from now on my penis is your penis
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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