my being single is dangerous.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
