who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
