I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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