i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
