the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
