3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
