I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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