She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
