Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
