I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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