the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
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