Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
