My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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