my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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