I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
