Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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