I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Randomize
