I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
