My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
even my farts smell like vagina
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
You ruined the universe
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
