it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
