just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
