today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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