nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
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