k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
