Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
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