you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
