Old men and throwing up are my life now.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
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