There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I feel great
I just peed on a car
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
