I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Randomize
