1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
