plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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