i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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