I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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