today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize