It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
