I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
