I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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