I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
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